Godawful Wedding Crap

Congratulations on your wedding, from Anne Frank!

2011-08-30T18:23:00.000-07:00

Hello, Internet!

I'm resurrecting Godawful Wedding Crap just so I can share this awesome Regretsy discovery with you:

Via Regretsy: 'It’s a thoughtful way to to say, “You two kids are going to be just fine, provided you stay in the attic.'

Extra credit: The pros and cons of being Anne Frank.

Wedding cake in Her own image

2008-01-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

Chidi Ogbuta of Allen, Texas, had a wedding cake made to look exactly like herself. I wouldn't feel so comfortable watching my new husband slice into me with a knife. Many thanks to Agent Lowe for the tip.

New blog!

2007-09-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

I've started a new blog, Domestigeek. Hope to see you there! I'll continue to update GWC as news of fresh atrocities filters in, though - and thank you as always for stopping by!

This is what fairytale weddings are like

2007-09-03T22:16:00.001-07:00

Princess Diana and her pea-sized legacy

I Got One! shirt for brides

2007-08-26T22:42:00.000-07:00

Love the Game Over wedding shirt? Wait till you see the I Got One! bridal shirt for sale at Cafe Press. Want to labor the point? Get this on a sweatshirt, a hoodie, a notebook, postcards, button, wall clock, apron (see - getting a man can sometimes come at a price) but not, surprisingly, the usual thong. Check out the full range of merchandise here at Cafe Press.

"Game Over" wedding shirts

2007-08-22T22:12:00.001-07:00

Ariel over at Offbeat Bride posted a link to these today. Ick, ick, ick.

A shirt for everyone!

2007-08-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

Get it from Where Brides Go. But get several, because your guy is gonna want to wear this every single day.

Tagged!

2007-08-12T18:22:00.000-07:00

Saundra tagged me in the comments, so here goes: The rules:

Here are the rules: Players list 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, players then tags 8 people by posting their names and makes sure they know they have been tagged by leaving a comment at the tagee’s blog.

The Tall Fella and I have just moved back into our apartment after several decades renovating. On 16 December 2006 we moved into a ~~local fleapit~~ value-priced local motel, expecting to be living there about four weeks. Didn't make sense to get a short-term apartment, now did it? Months and months and months and a kajillion dollars later, we moved back in. Did I mention that our place is 800 square feet and that I now consider it inappropriate for people to casually mention that many builders can construct entire houses - nay, entire developments - in that timeframe? Still, we love it, we really do. There is no joy like moving into a place you've finally made yours - and one of the joys of living in said small fleapit is that our place now seems gigantic. Roomy. Airy. There's still a few dotting of Is and crossing of Ts - Frank the Contractor is working on it as I type - but we really really are nearly finished, almost.
I have Irish and Canadian passports, and am just eligible to apply for US citizenship, which I am going to do as soon as we get a printer at home. I really, really want to vote.
I went to law school but even though I finished I never did the bar or anything. Instead I moved to London where I started photocopying for British Telecom. Good times.
I love Americana and if we weren't planning to live in our apartment until they carry us out in a box, I'd mostly love to live in a house in the sticks, where I could rock on the porch with a straw in my mouth and a shotgun across my lap.
I'm around 5'10, 5'91/2, something like that, but I haven't grown an inch since I was about eleven.
Once I won Karl Cassell's voice on my home answering machine, but then Verizon wiped the message. Man, was I pissed.
My name never, ever rhymes with Fiona. It's spelled R-i-o-n-a, but it's pronounced Ma'am.
My superpower is that I never, ever get a hangover.

2007-07-05T16:58:00.000-07:00

I'm absolutely smitten with the advice and the language of the SYL advice pages. Looking for tips to become his wife?

He is young, modest, smart, tall, goes in for sport, has high ideals and aims. From all points of view he deserves you. But how to make him understand it? That is a question. Try dances. Manage so that he will be in your company for this Saturday evening going to disco. Dance is the best way to seduce a man- nice music, colorful lights, you are close to each other. That is - potential husband is caught on the hook. Next step is to act very interested in him and defenceless and ask him to do something very manful for your, like to fix a broken lock or put right the book shelf (you like to read and buy so many books that the shelf has broken).

This site will reward close attention. For example, did you know that there are eight types of men? My favorite:

Category 6. Sissy or crushed. Both can be easily married by any woman.

Weekly Occasional Wedding Link of Awesome

2007-06-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable

"Why? Does buying a gay melon baller at Tiffany's cost more than buying a straight melon baller at Tiffany's?"

Advice for fabulous wedding bathrooms

2007-06-28T19:17:00.000-07:00

from The Knot's article Restrooms 101 (bogs for beginners):

Really love your wedding colors? Add coordinating dye to the toilet water. Fill the bathroom floor with rose petals. Play your ceremony music on CD. Reception hall doesn't come with restroom attendants? Hire your own private Jeeves.

Add. Dye. To. The. Toilet. Water. This is a level of attention to detail I, with my boring vanilla toilet water, can't even begin to imagine. This person must be terrifying in the office. Find out more here.

Godawful wedding crap indeed

2007-06-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

Thank you, IndieBrides, for directing me to these. I think.

Wedding Pills, designed by Ted Noten, are golden alternative wedding rings with a traditional inscription with the name of the loved one and the marriage date. They can be taken with a glass of vodka or other beverage. Because of the intimate process these pills undergo a fundamental question is laid bare: are we going to search for it or not, it may provoke the first marriage crisis. And with whom it agrees, the ritual can be repeated after each crisis – a nice reconciliation ritual.

Yeah, I had to read it twice too. The ritual can be repeated after each crisis.

What, is make-up sex suddenly not hot enough or something?

Buy the gift that keeps on giving here.

Weekly wedding link of awesome: Colbert brings it on

2007-06-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

"You don't see the other 17 presidential candidates dropping their maiden names."

Her pearls? Grace Kelly. Dynamite!

Nothing that can't be fixed with a little Photoshop

2007-06-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

So there I was, googling for first anniversary gift ideas, when what did I see only this?

The good people at MyDaVinci ("Art that clicks") will take your photos and Photoshop your faces onto the painting of your choice. While I can't imagine spending the rest of my life staring at a picture of myself and himself besporting ourselves in the woods, I have to admit I'm tempted by the American Gothic version: Or I could surprise him on his birthday with a portrait of himself:

My DaVinci. It's brilliant.

Now the big day's over ...

2007-06-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

she's gonna need the Honey Do Whistle. Spouse-training technology has obviously come a long way since we featured the the training treats for new husbands - this little beauty comes with a guarantee.

A caketopper destined to become an heirloom

2007-06-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

... passed lovingly from mother to unexpected daughter. Pick it up here, for $300.

Weekly Wedding Link of Awesome

2007-05-25T11:48:00.001-07:00

Iranian blogger Jadi writes about about his friend's Maryam's aghd ceremony:

I want to mention an addition in her Aghd ceremonies. Aghd is a religious word for "marriage" and in our traditions it consists sitting in front of a Mirror + Flowers + Some sweets + Rings + ... and here + 1 Million Signatures For Equal Rights booklets! You can see the booklets at the bottom right. These are the booklets used when people are collecting signatures to say "We need equal rights for men and women".

But that's not what I meant!

2007-05-25T11:41:00.001-07:00

Slightly distressed as a check of Sitemeter reveals that GWC is the #2 result for How to treat man like a crap. Kind of charmed by the use of "man" (as in mankind?) and "a crap", though. Both broader and more specific than "how to treat a man like crap" for which GWC doesn't even appear on the first page. Again, we wish the researcher all the best with his or her inquiries but must direct them elsewhere. Bye now.

Jodie Marsh is getting married: Why the legwarmers, I wonder?

2007-05-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

Men are invited to submit an application for a series of open auditions for the chance to marry Jodie Marsh in September. The search and subsequent wedding will be filmed for MTV and - if the bride's ensemble is anything to go by - promises to be quite the show. Apply online at Marry Jodie Marsh.

Weekly Wedding Link of Awesome

2007-05-18T18:59:00.001-07:00

Anthony and Claire's Wedding Dance

Most. Romantic. Caketopper. Ever.

2007-05-18T15:10:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the gals at Kvetch, check out: Need to see a little bit more of Bobby? Feast your eyes, my friends. Feast your eyes. I'd hold out until he peels off a couple more twenties, though. Available from Thumbprint Kids, right here.
Update: Hang on to those bills, my bridegroom buddies. Agent Rachael has just pointed out that once of these little things will set you back $2500. For that kind of money you could be knee-deep in doughnuts.

Wedding cake patent: A plurality of tulles

2007-05-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

The atmosphere of excitement may aggravate the difficulty of distributing confetti or birdseed to all the wedding attendees. Further, wedding cakes commonly served at wedding parties need to be properly portioned, cut and placed on plates requiring the effort of someone skilled with the hands, a facility which all the attendees do not usually possess. The cake itself can be difficult or time consuming to make, and the whole event might require considerable clean up when completed.

Accordingly, a need remains for a simulated wedding cake that overcomes the above-noted shortcomings.

Inventor Rosemarie E. McGuigan has stepped up to the plate with U.S. Patent 7,021,465.

The simulated cake further includes a plurality of capsules that have a top opening for selectively receiving a variable quantity of bird seed and confetti therein, for example. Such a plurality of capsules are removably positionable into the plurality of holes. The present invention further includes a plurality of tulles engageable about the plurality of capsules. A plurality of ribbons are also attachable to the plurality of tulles for tying the respective top portions thereof. Advantageously, bird seed and confetti may be selectively contained therein until a user desires to sprinkle same over the bride and groom. The present invention further includes a plurality of rings engaged with the plurality of ribbons respectively.

I am totally in love with the Patent Office and its requirement of the word "plurality". It's a word I resolve to use more often.

Christ. Another one.

2007-05-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

I've said it before (more than once), and I am certain I will say it again, but still: who buys these things?

Wedding beer can koozie: More ways to keep the amber nectar cool

2007-05-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

If you're looking for a gift for the man in your life, and you, like, hate him or something, remember that he'd probably enjoy standing around at parties with his friends - his male friends - drinking beer out of a coozy emblazoned with the slogan "Love Is All Around". Get them here.

Wedding and honeymoon car decorations

2007-04-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

Not just stylish: this getaway car essential comes complete with a "suction cup for easy mounting" - an important consideration for any honeymoon couple.

Bachelorette party supplies: A banner

2007-04-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

This, dear reader, is the face of a woman who has been asked to pose with one too many penis-related novelty items.

Looking for an exciting new way to draw attention to your garage sale?

I've never seen a spokesperson look less excited.

Introducing bridal boudoir photography

2007-04-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

A thousand thanks to Agent LauraB, who has brought a whole new genre to our attention: Boudoir bridal photography, otherwise known as pictures of the bride in her skivvies (for the family album? for the groom's private consumption? for the mother of the bride to whip out of her wallet and pass around at book group?). Intrigued? Wondering about the next step? A casual Google turned up the following advice from the deliciously named Cape Fear Weddings:

Your finished boudoir portait can be turned into a gift in many ways. The most popular is the wall canvas. Add a special touch by having it hung in your honeymoon suite for your wedding night... Current software makes it economical to produce slide shows or other multi-media presentations, with music, captions, voice-overs or special effects such as fade-outs, dissolves, zoom and pan effects.

"Economical." "Slide shows". Do you suppose this means Powerpoint? Awesome.

Sit On Me

2007-04-03T15:42:00.000-07:00

Oh man. I can't decide which would be sweeter: putting my own face on a tote bag and carrying it around in public, or presenting all my friends with the pillow of their dreams.

My Lovely Horse: Equine wedding cake topper

2007-03-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

Ah, Dorian. Dorian, Dorian, Dorian. It's been too long. Horse-lovers? Horse lovers? Either way, you need this caketopper. (Many thanks to Agent Melanie for bringing this to our attention.) [edited to add Father Ted reference. How did I miss that?]

Irish wedding garters

2007-03-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

Never teh Bride recently featured wedding garters, a sight that had me running to my bookmarks to dig up these gems, my favorite of which combines shamrocks, the Irish flag colors, and a Claddagh symbol in one stylish and ethnically distinct package:

But where's the harp?

Your Own Wedding Chapel

2007-03-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

Cruising BoingBoing today, we noticed that the splendidly named WillyGoats, Inc. is offering a wedding chapel for sale on Amazon, priced to move at $20,319.97 (though not eligible for free shipping via Prime).

I'd love to see a list: People who bought a mobile wedding chapel also bought ...

Mrs Stiffler!

2007-03-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

Eagle-eyed Agent Caroline points out that Advantage Bridal is offering a personalized wedding thong.

Take a closer look at that name embroidered on the thong: yes, it's Mrs. Stiffler: the super jerk of the American Pie movie series!

2007-03-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

This site beautifully illustrates the rule that anything with the word "classy" in its name is, invariably, tacky.

Electric wedding dress!

2007-02-21T14:46:00.000-08:00

If you're planning on wearing an electric light-up veil complete with a plurality of spaced miniature incandescent lamps - and we hope you are - then you'll be wanting this: More details, including a "view of corset top in bright ambient light, and with internal illumination" can be found here.

O.M.G.

2007-02-14T16:51:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Ariel of Offbeat Bride, for making me spray Diet Coke all over my screen, the reflexive response to any picture of a bride in what appears to be a courtship ritual with a large metal vulva.

First, she tries to pretend it's not there.

Then it kind of starts pissing her off.

Finally, she surrenders and swoons.

May you, too, have a happy Valentine's day.

How Honeymoon Registries Get Rich Off Your Money

2007-01-30T21:17:00.000-08:00

Great article from Make Love Not Debt. Example, based on $3000 honeymoon:

Setup fee: $150 Commission: 15% of $3,000 = $450 Interest: 6% of $3,000 = $180 100 Announcement Cards: 100 cards @ 50c = $50 Rush service fee: $25 Total Revenue: $855 That's $855 that could have been spent on the honeymoon itself. Ouch.

GWC is cold. But proud.

2007-01-29T23:39:00.000-08:00

Freezing the GWC ass off in Minneapolis, but just wanted to quickly note - we're braggarts round these parts - that GWC is the #2 Google result for How do dolphins crap? We apologize for our inability to assist in this matter, and wish the researcher all the best in his or her investigations.

More hankies!

2007-01-29T08:50:00.000-08:00

A wonderful gift for your Mother to dry her tears as you wed. "Mother…This loving reminder for all the years you dried my tears".

My own mother would glance at this suspiciously before dismissing it (and rightly so) as "too little, too late."

A fabulous cake deserves fabulous balloons

2007-01-25T20:10:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a timely report from Agent ChgoRed, GWC is delighted to present Castle Cakes!

More delicious confections here.

Want. Must Have.

2007-01-24T17:46:00.000-08:00

The hysterically funny mb over at Blonde Champagne is breaking my heart with her pictures of inflatable wedding arches. This woman is brilliant.

I could die unless I get my hands on one of these beauties, and yet no amount of Googling is turning up a supplier. Sheesh!

Update: The fabulous Cathy hunted down a link where you can buy such a lighted, inflatable arch. Here you go - but hurry, there's only three left!

While you're at it, why not pick up an inflatable wedding cake?

More Irish wedding goodness

2007-01-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with Wedding Themes and More, and its suggestions for an Irish-themed wedding.

You may want to dress in formal bridal wear or the bride and her attendants could dress as Irish maids or pixie fairies. The groom, along with his groomsmen, could dress like Irish gents or leprechauns.

But wait, there's more:

Create a rainbow behind the head table from poster board, each end anchored in a large cast-iron pot. Fill the pots full with newspapers then place a circle base on top of this cut from cardboard. On top of the cardboard, place chocolate gold-foiled "coins". Cut the bride and groom's first names from cardboard and color in emerald green. Spread watered glue mix and sprinkle sparkles on the names. Secure to the hang from the rainbow.

Or why not "create a "blarney stone" from paper mache and place just inside the doorway as people enter"?

More ideas here. In all fairity, as our old neighbor would say, in all fairity I must point out that the author notes that this is not actually a traditional Irish wedding. Which leads me to a story. Around the time of the last presidential primaries, I took myself off to Seattle Center to watch the Democratic caucus. I was listening in on a group of Kucinich supporters, and when the leader asked me for my opinion, I uncharacteristically declined to give it, saying that I wasn't a citizen, and was only there to observe. "Where are you from?" he asked. "Ireland," I said, and he grasped my hand. "Welcome!" he said enthusiastically, shaking my hand in earnest good fellowship, "Welcome -- to democracy."

Holymotherofgod Irish wedding favor

2007-01-22T21:44:00.000-08:00

This traditional "Irish Blessing Wedding Favor" features two rather gaudily dressed short fellas sliding down a banister.

Available here or by calling 1-866-IRISH-4U.

God, I'd kill for that number.

Wedding Day Survivor Mug

2007-01-20T12:39:00.000-08:00

Wedding Day "Survivor"? ... You'll LOVE this coffee mug from Beverly Clark. A great gift for Mom or Dad! Includes a fun Survivor-like logo declaring "Over Did, Over Spent, Over Stressed" surrounding a bridal couple in an oval. Available with blue or orange logo.

I think it would be totally cool to use this in front of your son-in-law every single visit. Get it here.

Rules for Marriage

2007-01-19T08:57:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Never teh bride for pointing me back to these. Avoid enternal hellfire by following the rules here.

I suspect most of you minxes reading this would also profit from Instructions for Women.

For those who worry that the woman in the veil will go unnoticed on the day

2007-01-18T23:22:00.000-08:00

I am honored to draw your attention to U.S. Patent No. 4,604,760, in which inventor Sheri K. Coin of Billings, Montana, resolves a familiar problem:

In an attempt to achieve a bridal headdress that coordinates better with current hair and makeup styles, many brides are turning to very casual designs such as wreaths, bands, hats and the like. ... Another factor that may influence a bride's selection of a headdress is the fact that most people who attend the wedding generally are at a distance that does not permit discernment of fine details of the outfit. ... guests are within close range of the bride for only a few moments as they converse with the bridal party and the remainder of the time are at a considerable distance. Therefore, guests can only observe details of the bridal attire when they are quite large in size. From the above discussion, it is clear that presently available bridal headdresses do not provide desired solutions for many of today's brides. Thus, there is a need for a new bridal headdress that overcomes the deficiencies of earlier designs.

The solution? Ladies, an electric veil.

The illuminating portion 19 of the headdress 11 includes a plurality of spaced miniature incandescent lamps 36. The lamps 36 are spaced from each other and affixed along the length of the supporting portion 18. The lamps are retained in proper alignment by affixing the same to the supporting portion such as with an adhesive 37. The lamps 36 preferably have an elongated tubular configuration. Advantageously, the lamps include clear glass or plastic envelopes 38 and preferably are six volt lamps.

I shit you not, my friends. I shit you not. Thus equipped,

A bride then can proceed with her normal activities associated with the wedding ceremony without concern or attention to the headdress. At appropriate times in the ceremony and/or reception, she can illuminate the lamps by reaching a hand under the veil and actuating the switch 50.

Skeptics can verify the above information here.

Fabulous wedding etiquette advice

2007-01-17T21:41:00.000-08:00

"If you are like most people, you will waste a lot of time wondering about the proper way to address a female friend of yours who is a doctor, married and has kept her maiden name. "

Um, no. Nope. Never. Why on earth would you? Hasn't she made it very clear how she wants to be addressed? Where is the problem here? And just in case you were

Avoid using Ms. in social stationery. It is typically more appropriate for business.

Don't even think about it. More help here.

National Delurking Week

2007-01-11T08:55:00.001-08:00

You know something? I'm a bad blogger. (Wedding, honeymoon, new job, remodel, vacation ...) But I've been inspired, and will be posting more regularly from tomorrow. In the meantime, go check out Offbeat Bride -- right here in snowy Seattle. And hey - it's delurking week. I don't always comment myself, but I just squeal with delight when someone leaves me a comment. (Unless it's just plain mean. And even then ...) I'd just love it if you left a comment - it would be awesome to see who drops by, what you're thinking, who you are, and where you do the blogging yourself. Here's to a nonGodawful 2007 to you all.

Blog? Oh right! Blog!

2006-07-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

Since I've been married I've rather let myself go. Life on the other side is truly delightful, consisting as it does of eating bon-bons while expertly manipulating the TiVo stick and being a stranger to the blowdryer. Sometimes I can bearly muster enough energy for a wagging finger or a quick nag. As you can imagine, it leaves little time for searching the Web for godawful wedding detritus. Plus - well, I just can't seem to summon the enthusiasm for wedding-based googling that I used to. I've got a bunch of ugly stuff saved I'll throw up on the site in the next couple of days, though. Kind of like my swan song.

The image of a modern wedding

2006-07-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

Via the good women of IndieBride, check out some most excellent examples of wedding photography. Man, these are beyond awesome. I am a lonely broken branch floating on the rough, gray, foam-flecked sea of missed opportunity.

Tricksy! False!

Looking up from a skirt. That you don't see every day.

An ex-girlfriend, do you suppose?

Observe, if you will, the last line.

Woah.

GWC will be Out Of Office for a while

2006-06-23T01:14:00.000-07:00

... because - well, because we're off getting married. Wish us luck!

Maybe I'm just cynical.

2006-06-20T00:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when the business of planning a wedding that takes place in on Saturday gets too much, I like to imagine another world. An alternative universe, if you will, a universe in which a guy - a man, we must remember - is surfing the web, sees a poem in a wooden or crystal frame, and squeals: "Oh, that's so darling! I've got to get that for Jeff! He was just so awesome as my best man, you know? So I want to get him something cute, you know? Something meaningful? Like a poem? With a photo?"

Here's a gift that your best man will love receiving. Besides showing him how much you appreciate his participation in your wedding ceremony, it also makes a wonderful way to display a photo from the wedding. To My Best Man(Name) There was never any doubt who my best man would be. Memories of the good times we've had and your friendship mean a great deal to me. Thank you for your support on one of the happiest days of my life. I am grateful that you are here as Amy and I start our new life together.

And when Jeff the best man unwraps it he squeals too, and clasps his hands to his chest, and he's all like, "Oh! My! God! It's just soo ... perfect." And they jump up and down together, squealing. And then I come back to earth with a bump and realize that the sunburn is still there, that I still have a neck as red - oh, as red can be - and a back as pale as an Irishman in winter, and I have as yet no real strategy in place for dealing with it before the wedding. * I also realize my view may be colored by the men I know. All wonderful men without exception, but givers (to other men) of personalized poems in frames they are not.

More charming caketoppers

2006-06-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

A while ago I blogged about some bizarre caketoppers that seemed horrible and demeaning to everybody involved. I can't for the life of me imagine any woman choosing to put them on her cake. At least mermice, while definitely, um, random and weird, are a little unusual and probably personal ... as opposed to - well, humiliating. Turns out I was only scratching the surface. There's so much more out there, and most of it available from A Picture Perfect Wedding at prices ranging from $50 to #80. Kinky dominatrix caketopper: Chain gang caketopper:

Nazi groom caketopper:

Groom calls for help caketopper (subtitled: "Look, Ma! I got a man!"):

I'd show you more, but I haven't the heart for it.

So my question: Have you used a caketopper like this, or seen one? Is there a universe in which you'd consider it?

You'll come for the baby bride bible, but you'll stay for the Virgin Mary soap

2006-06-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

It's never too early to start planning for your daughter's wedding. Do you hear me, Brad and Angie? This is a baby bible. Agent Lowe informs me that the verse that comes with it reads as follows:

I am an Heirloom Bible As special as can be. A present for someone dear Who's little like me. When baby grows to wed I'll be by your side. Or part of the bouquet For the blushing bride.

(Updated because I'd posted the wrong pic - thanks for the heads up, greyduck - and now this transition makes NO SENSE ...) ~~While you're visiting~~ Go on, visit the fabulous www.Cool2bcatholic.com (best. URL. ever). Take some time to look around. Heck, it's not wedding-related, but I can't resist anyway: why not pick up some Virgin of Guadalupe soap?

This saintly statuette, with its amazing attention to detail, radiates a delicate rose scent—and comes presented in a colorful, decorative paperboard box that makes a gorgeous keepsake when the soap is gone. A great gift idea to awaken anyone’s spiritual side.

"Awaken anyone's spiritual side." This is soap, people. Soap.

They do things better Down Under

2006-06-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

Agent dataceptionist submits the following piece of valuable intel: in Australia, you can get personalized beer can holders (~~"stubbies"~~ "stubby holders") as your wedding favor. I've never been to Australia, but now I've seen these precious, precious items, I suspect there is a trip in my future.

Kiss The Bride breath spray

2006-06-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

Say "I do" to minty freshness! Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Fresh Breath! It's your special day, don't let anything ruin it. One flavor for the rest of your life (hope you like mint). Makes a great bridal gift!

Reported by Agent Suzannah B., and available from Everything Smells. I love that name. Good work, soldier.

More wedding beer can coolers

2006-06-12T07:47:00.000-07:00

So you're looking for beer can coolers, but the silver-plated, monogrammed version is not your style. You're looking for something less classic. Something softer, more modern. Something that helps confused guests identify that woman in the big white dress. Here you go. This one has the decided advantage of hiding the can itself, so who knows what you can have in there.

As My Little Girl Gets Married Hanky and Pin

2006-06-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

As My Little Girl Gets Married There you are in your wedding gown, The world's most beautiful bride, And though I'm truly happy for you, I'm holding back tears inside. For it seems like only a moment ago That I first held you in my arms-- The world's most beautiful baby, Enchanting us with your charms. You grew into the most beautiful girl, And I watched you dress up and play, Giggling with friends about boys And who you might marry someday. Soon you became a young woman And dated the world's luckiest guys, But never with any of them did I see The light that shines now in your eyes. I can see how deeply you care for this man, And the power of your emotion. I can tell he already has your love And will soon have your lifelong devotion. So remember as you take his hand To begin your life together-- You'll always be my little girl... And I'll love you forever and ever.

$14.95 from Thank You Ink.

Certifiable

2006-06-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

The people have spoken, the Jury, ( the witnesses), were unanimous and the defendants, ( Bride and Groom), aren't all that unhappy about being "condemned to the pursuit of the labour of love". The Good Ole' Ball and Chain ! This certificate uses "judicial language" to humorously describe the marriage commitment! For details e-mail! Secure Ordering On-line !

For only $17.99, the good people who run the graphically exciting Wedding Helpers will provide you with a wedding certificate "for the practical jokester, weaver of funny tales, or those who just love to laugh."

Ultimate Godawful Wedding Crap

2006-06-05T12:50:00.000-07:00

Bush went on air today to outline his plans to ensure that full civil rights are never extended to a significant minority of the United States population. The decision in Goodridge vs. Department of Public Health (Mass. Supreme Court) eloquently and beautifully outlines why this is wrong. All of us getting married right now need to be aware that we're exercising a fundamental right - and one that is currently denied many couples in this country: the right to full legal recognition of our mutual commitments and the familes we have created together.

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations. The question before us is whether, consistent with the Massachusetts Constitution, the Commonwealth may deny the protections, benefits, and obligations conferred by civil marriage to two individuals of the same sex who wish to marry. We conclude that it may not. The Massachusetts Constitution affirms the dignity and equality of all individuals. It forbids the creation of second-class citizens. In reaching our conclusion we have given full deference to the arguments made by the Commonwealth. But it has failed to identify any constitutionally adequate reason for denying civil marriage to same-sex couples. ... Without question, civil marriage enhances the “welfare of the community.” It is a “social institution of the highest importance.” ... Civil marriage anchors an ordered society by encouraging stable relationships over transient ones. It is central to the way the Commonwealth identifies individuals, provides for the orderly distribution of property, ensures that children and adults are cared for and supported whenever possible from private rather than public funds, and tracks important epidemiological and demographic data. Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. “It is an association that promotes a way of life, not causes; a harmony in living, not political faiths; a bilateral loyalty, not commercial or social projects.” ... Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.

For more information about the efforts to extend the freedom to marry to all people, check out these links: Lambda Legal Freedom to Marry Love Is Love Is Love Human Rights Campaign Normal snarkiness resumes tomorrow.

He loves me. He loves me not - AND I DON'T CARE!

2006-06-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

I guess all the design choices you make in your wedding make some kind of statement. But what if the statement you want to send to your nearest and dearest is a little different, a little unusual, not quite as cookie-cutter as the wedding industrial complex would like?

What if the statement you want to send is not so much "We love each other!", and more "He doesn't want to marry me but I'm going to make him do it anyway?"

You're in luck! There are women out there who choose to top their cake (and take the biscuit) with this:

Or this: Or with this:

Why not just nail his head to the trophy wall of your billiard room? It would send the same message, and I bet he'd prefer it.

Gone fishing ... kind of.

2006-05-31T00:23:00.000-07:00

Here at GWC we're off on a fact-finding mission to NYC for the rest of the week. Have you had a sighting of Godawful Wedding Crap? The people need to be told, and we will be forever in your debt. In the meantime, here's my current favorite caketopper to date - though there are some doozies to come. Thanks to a comment by Anonymous, I give you: Mermice! Mermice. Mermice in love. I'm almost certain they are mermice. Check out the little shells covering the bosoms of the mermouse bride. But Dorian would know for sure.

Misguided bachelor party advice of the year

2006-05-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

From The Knot: Complete Guide to Weddings in the Real World:

The groom should: ... Ask the party host to let your honey in on his plans. Being in the know will put her mind at ease. Who knows? Maybe she can even contribute something to the bash -- a raunchy audiotape saying what she's going to do to you come wedding night, perhaps?

That's right, ladies. The Knot is suggesting not only that you talk dirty but you do so on a permanent recording which you then hand over to someone - possibly even his brother - to play at a bachelor party ... Well holy god.

Holy cow!

2006-05-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I just don't understand this site. First, check out the little cow bride (on the main page, scroll about three-quarters of the way down). She's a cutie, no doubt about it, which is probably why her picture on the main page is captioned: "Wishing You a Lifetime of Udder Joy." A little weird, but whatever. People like cows. Next up, we have a selection of matching cattle-themed grooms. Scratch that: military cattle-themed grooms. Meet the Navy groom ("I Cudn't Be Happier To Serve My Country"): The Army groom ("I Love to Serve Americow"): And finally, the Marine groom ("Steer Me In The Right Direction"): Nowhere on the site does one see the word "bull".

Have your big fat fabulous wedding on VH1

2006-05-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

If your wedding budget includes spending over $300,000, the wedding date is between March and August of 2006 and you would love to share your life and wedding day with VH1, we'd love to hear from you.

You need to be over 21 to apply. Because a 20-year-old spending $300,000 on a wedding would be weird.

Silver-plated, personalized beer can holder

2006-05-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

Your groomsmen will enjoy their VIP status by showing off with this elegant silver-plated can cooler. Perfect for keeping their drink cold at the bachelor party or wedding reception.

This silver-plated little beaut costs $21 - twenty-one dollars. It doesn't just say class; it's more that it hollers it from across the room while punching the air with its fist and making comments about your daughter.

OK, I'm typing this still slightly drunk from my own bachelorette party

2006-05-21T01:44:00.000-07:00

... but you probably can't tell that I'm rocking back and forth, muttering thankyouthankyouthankyou to my lovely friends who provided me not with a penis-decorated veil (or the more conservative condom veil), or penis earrings, or penis straws, or penis drinking cups, or penis whistles or Toothdix(TM) (like toothpicks, but better! Because they're penises!), ... but with a really nice dinner and an elegant, sophisticated evening of roller derby. I would also like to note that my so-called friends neglected to provide me with the following:

Willy whack-it pinata
Gummy penises
Penis squirt gun ("fun, fun, fun!")
Uncle Willie's Cookie Cutter: :...Comes with an idea booklet showing the many ways you can decorate these specially shaped cookies, including Long Dong Willie, Cousin Limpy and Uncle Sam - The Patriot Missile!"
Suck for a buck kit
Penis snack tray

Well, fine. All I have to say is: thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou. If, however, you just can't get enough of this penis-related goodness - well, you're in for something of a treat.

Treat him like a king, train him like a puppy

2006-05-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

with Training Treats for New Husbands.

Now that you have found the perfect man you want to keep him that way if you can. With Training Treats and lots of praise you'll be able to stand him for days and days! For Husbands - with just one or two flaws (Does not work on major overhauls), kinder than a swat on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, more effective than nagging.

I'm not convinced that "gourmet candy" is more effective at man-manipulation and rendering a husband tolerable for "days and days" than -- oh, I don't know -- say, a well-timed blowjob? And to be fair, the purveyors of this excrescence do admit (no doubt at the insistence of a pack of lawyers) that "Neither product comes with a guarantee for results".

bridal hankie holder

2006-05-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

I've never really been able to understand the attraction of the hankie. I mean, if you don't use it it's without function, and if you do, it becomes particularly unpleasant and, frankly, not the kind of thing that would tempt me to spend almost eighteen American dollars to display it like this: If I were to display my hankie at all, I mean. I haven't quite made up my mind.

How to ask for money 2: Guilt and manipulation

2006-05-17T00:42:00.000-07:00

This month's issue of Modern Bride sports a timely and striking heading: HOW TO ASK YOUR PARENTS FOR MONEY (and get it).

What can I say? I bought the damn magazine, because I need somone to tell me AGAIN to address couples as Mr. and Mrs. Karl von Trapp, and turned to the article, not knowing quite what to expect. A lesson on lowering expections? On the use of please and thank you?

The article starts off well, recommending that brides in the market for parent money approach them with a lot of research and information. But if this fails to swing it, you're going to have to resport to manipulation, baby. Play to their insecurities.

"If your parents are picturing an upscale bash, tell them you may have to skip the champagne toast if they can't contribute ...

Lots of people need to ask their parents for help with the wedding. But you'd kinda sorta hope it would be a respectful conversation, not a ruthless rapier to the site of their social fears in order to get what you want. This short little article left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

On a side note, when I was a teenager and a student and wanted money myself, sometimes I'd ask my father. He'd lean back in his chair, enjoying himself hugely, and quote Charles's father from Brideshead Revisited. "Oh, I really am the very worst person to talk to about money, because I've never been short of it myself. " Grinning from ear to ear, my father would gleefully quote Waugh: "Your cousin Melchior was short of money too. He went to Australia before the mast."

It became clear that that such was to become my fate. And so I arrived in Seattle. And I'd still play the same stunt on one of my kids. For a while, anyway.

Moses supposes his ho-ses have roses

2006-05-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

A while ago, I posted a link to a site offering personalized rose petals. I was younger then. I wasn't thinking big enough. Personalize the whole damn rose!

How to ask for money #1: With poetry.

2006-05-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

I've been noticing a trend on the boards about asking for money instead of gifts. I say, don't do it - and certainly don't include such a request with the invitation. Couples aren't entitled to a gift, and registries exist solely to help those guests who find them useful. Guests aren't obliged to bring a gift at all, or to bring one off the registry. I'm not convinced that this new trend of casting the request in verse makes it any more acceptable. On the plus side, however, it does make it funnier. Anyway! On to the poetry. Got any favorites? Let me know - and please report any GWC sightings here. Thank you!

We are sending out this invitation, And hope you will join our celebration. If to send a gift is your intention, In modesty we would like to mention, We already have kettles and toasters, Crockery, dinner mats and a number of coasters, So rather than something we already own We would love money or vouchers to spend on our home. The tradition of the wishing well is one that's known by all. Go to the well, toss in a coin and as the coin does fall, Make a wish upon that coin and careful as you do. Cause as the well's tradition goes your wishes will come true. So on this special day of ours - The day that we’ll be wed. Don't hunt for special gifts but give money in it's stead. And as you drop the envelope with money great and small, Remember, make your wish as you watch your money fall [As something of an afterthought, the poet adds: ] But, most importantly, we request, That you are here as our wedding guest!

My favorite, so far, the clear-eyed brevity of a haiku:

Come to celebrate But don't forget to pay for your plate

And finally, this bracingly strict verse that leaves guests with little wiggle room:

This wishing well before you here Has a purpose that's pretty clear. Drop some green into the slot, Just make sure that it's alot! [sic] We would think it pretty nifty if it was at least a fifty. After all it cost us money To plan this day and our moon of honey!

In the flurry of the big day, it's all too easy to marry the wrong man -

2006-05-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

.. the best man, perhaps, or - heaven forbid - your dad. Fear not. These handy socks will quickly sort out the men from the boys. Gather the most likely candidates and a quick glance at the ankle will identify the scamp, allowing the fiesty rapscallion to be brought up before the priest as fast as you like. Thank you, man-brand socks! Without you, I'd had to let that one get away!

Pure klass.

2006-05-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

The comical couple printed on these products is sure to bring a smile. Here is an easy way to add some fun at engagement celebrations, showers, rehearsal parties, gift openings or even the Big Event! Your guests will be amused and amazed with your attention to every detail when they discover...even the toilet paper has a wedding theme! 200 sheets per roll - 3 ply.

Got ten bucks burning a hole in your pocket? Go here. Go fast. God speed.

Dolphins ... or unicorns?

2006-05-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

You know, until you start planning a wedding, you have just no idea of the kind of stuff that’s out there. Take cake toppers. I’m not what you called drawn to the little figurines, and after I failed to convince the Tall Fella that we should go with Master Chief from Halo and the Bride (veiled) from Kill Bill, I pretty much settled for a simple cake topped with daisies. Until I discovered Designs by Dorian. Her dolphin (“thought to be one of the more magical animals on this planet [emphasis added]”, unicorn, and fairy caketopper are charming but perhaps a little … obvious. Let’s push the envelope a little and consider, for example, an NFL Baltimore Ravens cake topper:

A Raven couple gaze into each others eyes on a field of grass-like moss with purple and gold flowers. The bride, sitting atop an NFL endorsed Baltimore Ravens football, is veiled, sports purple iridescent glitter, and wears a gold crown [hey! that's what I'm going to wear!]; the groom wears a top hat and sports black iridescent glitter dust and a purple boutonnière.

For a Brokeback-themed wedding, you couldn’t do better than the Western theme.

This cake top is home for two noble, cavorting horses in a field of grass and roses, backed by a silver horseshoe (or cowboy hat) … While perfect for the Cowboy, the free, wild spirit in us all, horses are metaphor for much more: Love, devotion, and loyalty are paramount. But stamina, strength and mobility are formidable, and wisdom, intellect, and gentleness are not to be overlooked.

Stamina and strength are, in this case, represented by “white & yellow roses and a yellow stone … white tulle [that] cascades over the base, and iridescent rainbow glitter dust.”

For exceptionally forgetful grooms

2006-05-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

Whether the wedding is on a grand scale or in a small, intimate setting, whether the big day is two months away, or two years away the groom is already counting the days. Now he can count on the Groom's Countdown Clock. Just a glance at the clock and he will always know how many days, hours, minutes, and even seconds remain until that wonderful magical day. The Groom's Countdown Clock is easy to set and comes with a long-lasting lithium battery, guaranteeing uninterrupted operation. When the day arrives, the display will begin to flash, and will continue flashing for 24 hours.
As will I. Jesus.

A Perfect Wedding Scam

2006-05-10T00:59:00.000-07:00

I'm conflicted about registries. As a guest I've often appreciated the convenience. However, we both dislike the idea of handing guests a shopping list. So we've compromised: we have a registry but nobody knows about it. If only I'd known about APerfectWeddingGift.com. This site lets couples register for ... money! They create a Paypal account and inform guests that they've registered for ... money! Guests log on, view their invoice, and submit payment. Best of all, the site offers a "printable list to generate thank you cards". Nothing makes me feel like my gift has been appreciated than knowing that the couple took the time to generate a thank-you message. Why is site so fiendishly clever? Well, they don't deposit the money into your Paypal account until your wedding day - so they get to hang onto gifts and make some $$ off the deposit. Plus, they deduct 7% from the amount sent to the couple. So in return for a "polite way to ask for money", the couple is stung for 7%. If you're going to give money, wouldn't you prefer to slip a check into a pretty card?

The Tears of Joy wedding hankie, available in girly lace or manly cotton

2006-05-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

... and attractively priced at $4.99

Knowing that you are here today, knowing that you care, Makes our wedding day memories a special time to share. This hankie is a gift, expressing our thanks that you are here. To use as we unite our love, to catch a joyful tear ...

... Or something. Available ... holy fuck, these things are available all over the Internet.

Nature is not beautiful enough for your wedding.

2006-05-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

Remedy that now with photo-embossed real flower petals!

At just about $15K, it's not cheap. But to be fair, the price does include an analog hygrometer and cotton gloves.

2006-05-09T18:46:00.000-07:00

You know those pictures you see in the galleries of stately homes? The creepy way their eyes follow you around the room? Well, you know what's creepier? A headless bride in the corner of your living room. Now you can have your very own custom-fitted humidity-controlled wedding armoire. (via IndieBride).